Here is mine.
Never take a detour and stay on the congested highway. Your navigation is lying, and your co-driver doesn’t know the streets as well as you do.
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When there’s an earthquake, a fire, or other major disasters… → STOP what you are doing! Grab your phone and immediately post to social media!
Only then are you allowed to worry about safety.
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If you see a beat-up Tesla, Altima, or Prius, give it a LOOOT of space.
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If someone says “it’s 20 minutes away,” they mean without traffic at 2am. Adjust expectations accordingly.
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Always check parking before you agree to plans. The real event is finding a spot. And if plans are in two different neighborhoods… they are not happening.
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I would add.. Your social life radius is basically a 5–7 mile bubble. Anything outside requires planning and emotional preparation. Saying “we should hang” is a polite goodbye, not a commitment.
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If it requires the 405 and a personality shift, I’m not going.
And:
You don’t cancel plans in LA. You just slowly stop responding until it becomes mutual.
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If the invite says “West Hollywood” but the parking says “good luck,” choose peace.
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LA bouncers don’t check your ID, they check your vibe, your outfit, and whether you look like you could ruin the aesthetic. If someone recommends a place to you and says, “it’s chill,” expect a line, a cover, and an interview-like test at the door.
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Yellow lights are often the only time 2-3 cars can make a left turn, for traffic to run smoothly. Don’t run those yellow/red lights.
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You don’t choose a coffee shop in LA. The aesthetic chooses you. Always say you ‘love the energy’ even if you’re overstimulated and want to go home.
Oh and.. If parking looks too easy, it’s illegal.
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Fake it until you make it. That never meant more in any other city on this planet.
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In Los Angeles, there’s an unwritten rule that if you’re driving and miss your exit, you don’t just “turn around”, you accept your fate, continue 12 miles down the freeway.. and use the time to reflect on your life choices, maybe grab an iced coffee, and re-enter society as a slightly different person.